Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
