I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I supernannyed him into submission
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
