Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
