Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize