You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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