i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
