I'm lost and stupid without you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
