I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
