this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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