you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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