just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
