shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
