I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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