Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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