If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
