do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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