The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Randomize
