I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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