At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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