he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
