my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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