I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
