Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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