I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
