Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
