Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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