Where did you get a picture of my penis
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
