I want to make a zoo with you.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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