Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
