Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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