i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
