Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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