My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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