I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
