Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can tuck mytits in my pants
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
