Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize