Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
