If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
