come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
