You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We need to rekindle our bromance
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
