Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You took a bar mat shot.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
