the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
