You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize