My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
