I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
