I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
