I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
