I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
