i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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