i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I understand Curling. That high.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
