Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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