i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
