apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
