I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Is Oprah even human
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
