please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
