Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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