i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
