How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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