My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
