Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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