I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
