If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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