Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(660): View more from Missouri

And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.

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(530): View more from California

Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."

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(813): View more from Florida

Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.

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