I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
