Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
