god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize