I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
