I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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