I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
